Eek ... ? Why am i eeking ?

♥ Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I have faced countless of difficulties in my life. Be it in my studies, my co-curriculum activities or at home, I have managed to conquer them all. My Mom has always told me that if I am faced with any difficulty, I should face it and never back down or give up. Whenever I have difficulty, I would approach my Mom and she would help me in one way or another. Getting good results makes me happy and proud. Overcoming a difficulty in life gives me the same feeling tenfold. Overcoming something is an achievement and the joy is beyond words. The boulder leaning against my heart has finally been removed. I have managed to overcome my dificulties with the help of my parents, but there is one difficulty I have not managed to overcome. This problem started around a year ago. The difficulty is asking my parents if i can convert religion and become a Christian.

I am a Buddhist. My parents are Buddhist. My paternal Grandparents and most of my relatives in my Father's side are Buddhists too. Although I have been a Buddhist for so many years, I have not really felt the strong connection between Buddha and me. Although I am a Buddhist, I do not go to the temple often to pray, neither do I have a Buddha shrine at home. I do not do much as a Buddhist and I always ask myself: Why am I a Buddhist? The most logical answer I can think of is that my parents made me a Buddhist because of my Grandparents and relatives. Isn't this unfair to me? I did not get to make a choice for myself. Everytime I tell my parents that my friends asked me to go to their church, they would anwer back: For what? No point!Now let me tell you what happened on the 17th of January 2009 that make me want to become a Christian.

My good friend Dusk invited me to come to his church on that day. I told my parents that I was going to church to play soccer with him. I lied to them and it made me feel very bad. They agreed to let me go. I was feeling tired and worn out after a long week in school. I was given generous amounts of homework obviously. First of all, I walked into the worship area with a blank expression and I found Dusk. I sat beside him while waiting for the service to start and for other teenagers to walk in. Little did I know that my life was about to change. After a while, the service started shortly and they always started with singing a couple of songs. As everyone was just singing, I began to look around. Next, I saw other teenagers just like me, but they were slightly different. The difference was that they were not just standing there singing like normal people. No, they did not. They sang with compassion from their hearts. I just did not understand what gave them this passion for this God that they believed in so much. Being a Buddhist, I did not really feel the love for Buddha when praying and I did not really believe in him.They sang not with their voices but with their hearts. No matter how tone deaf anyone was, it did not matter at all. Everything around them was just disregarded.

Not long after thinking for a while, I felt something amazing. The most wonderful feeling I ever had. I felt relaxed, I felt like there was just a warm presence around my entire being. Then, the stress and worries from everything just faded away from my mind. I began to felt released. Like the chains around my heart was just breaking loose and crumbling away. After which, I started to feel true happiness. Not the happiness that could be easily gained from playing games and hanging out with friends. It was the happiness of being released from the world. Then, my mouth slowly opened and I began to sing the songs like the other teenagers who felt the same presence. The presence of God. I do not know if it is really true just yet. However, that is why they call it faith, because I now believe there really is a God. After the songs were over, everyone sat down as usual and listened to the announcements that were being made and soon after that, the preacher began to speak. I listened for a while and then drifted into my own thoughts.
I did not like how my life was going, just study, work, eat and play every single day. I started to feel that there was more to life than this. Where is that meaning in life that is missing? I knew that surely there was a bigger purpose in life. Then, I started to think about my friends. Were they really people who cared for me? Or were they just people who I played around with and laughed with when we talked rubbish? No, these were not the friends that I truly wanted. I wanted people who could share not only joy but pain and suffering too and somehow many of my so called "friends" fell into the category of those who "do not qualify". I wanted deep friendships. I wanted friends that could stick with you to the very end, whether I was on top of the world or at the bottom. I wanted friends that could stay beside me and support me till the very end. At that moment, I was getting all worked up and stressed again so I started to pray in my heart and ignore my surroundings. I prayed that all my questions would be answered soon, and if not anytime soon, then slowly and eventually. My heart felt relaxed once again and I continued to listen to the preacher. I am just a kid but my goals are pretty much high. Not many people truly understand what I think and what my troubles are.

That day I did not go home with the same blank expression. No, I went home with a slight smile, a heart that was released from chains and was now satisfied and a proper mindset that I should had have a long time ago. Not many events happened that day, but many things definitely changed. I went to church with nothing to offer, instead I got many gifts from the one who truly cares about me most. I could feel God entering me.

This is why I wanted to become a Christian. I could feel the love for God around everyone and even I could feel myself loving him. This feeling is beyond description. Although I dearly want to become a Christian, I dare not open my mouth and ask my parents. Whenever I open my mouth to ask, it s as though a cat got my toungue. Nothing comes out. I am afraid that my parents would not agree. Even if i become a Christian, would I feel left out of the family? I would be the only Christian in my family. I would not even dare to see a disappointed look in my Grandparents faces. This is the difficulty I am facing with. I cannot seek help from my parents and I do not know what to do.

Just you and me forever , 11:30 PM